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Autism Journal
Just scraps. But this year I will try to use this more, because I'm finding it hard to constantly create so many new pages and sub-pages. Also, besides the fact that 1772 pages is already a great amount, I am keen to go through the years of the American Revolutionary War slowly, so I can savour them in my Hamilton squish (even though the historical Alexander Hamilton was actually a fascist, class traitor who deserves no praise). 1804 20 Comprehending just how little neurotypicals can grasp of what it means to be autistic vs non-autistic. They see the spectrum as some sort of a blurry overlapping of traits, not a distinctive set with a definable limit. Understanding autism is only possible through a consciousness of what it means to be non-autistic: to be allistic. When you're autistic and neuro-passing, you are basically able to mimic allistic behaviours and conversation patterns to some extent. You might seem 'quirky' or 'weird' when people meet you, but as long as you can master "turn-taking" and (perhaps more importantly) perspective-taking then they will enjoy your conversation and not think of you as "abnormal". However, what this means is that every interaction we spend in such circumstances is like being under an interrogative examination, in which our social competence is being tested under the particular set of social norms that this individual we are talking to has normalized. Every new person we meet is another algorithm to solve: should I be more friendly? am I being TOO friendly? is it inappropriate to ask their gender? etc. For me personally, I am good at mastering that algorithm with people who I get "a good vibe" off, I've learnt to use a smile as a 'litmus test' to see who you might get along with. However, one difficult complication for me (and I suspect many other neuro-passing autistics out there) is the issue of when you have a "group hang" with multiple people for whom you have learnt different social algorithms for how you should behave. The merging of two algorithms, is my analogy for what goes on when you're trying to integrate the distinct parts of your personality (or your systemhood) into a meeting with those two people with whom you share each part independently. For example, a meeting between your mother and your new romantic partner. The sad thing is, that we as neuro-passers sacrifice so much of our own emotional well-being and energy to pass all of these tests and "pass" as neurotypical, that we lose track of who we are underneath. I think it's not uncommon for many of us to feel as though "no one knows who I really am". People only see the parts of you that you project in anticipation that that's how they *want* you to be. Never able to take that self-nurturing step of asking "who do *I* want to be". Our social consent was revoked the moment we were born autistic. We live in a society in which autistic people are either allowed to exist in private or in complete neuroassimilation. Category:Autism Spectrum Category:Journals Category:2018 Journals Category:2018 Writing